I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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