You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
