Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
