You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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