I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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