I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
