Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
