Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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