I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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