My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
