i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
