Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
