no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
