If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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