I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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