He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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