At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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