dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
