hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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