Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
