She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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