turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
