If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
