I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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