Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
