do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
