Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
pop tarts are not kleenex
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
