Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
