walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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