I think I won the penis lottery.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
