He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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