A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
