Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
