He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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