I think my vagina is haunted
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Randomize
