...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
