I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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