So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
