while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
