She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You ate ashes out of my bong
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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