i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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