I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
