last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
