Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
