Already got asked if we're dating
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
