Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
As shirtless as possible
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
