eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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