i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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