hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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