I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
