I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
